The Journal Gazette
 
 
Saturday, May 23, 2020 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Where everybody knows ...

“After former President Obama criticized the U.S. response to the coronavirus pandemic in a virtual commencement address to college graduates this weekend, White House adviser Peter Navarro called the Obama administration a, quote, 'kumbaya of incompetence.' Incidentally, 'Kumbaya' is where Trump thinks Obama was born.” – Seth Meyers

“Isn't it crazy how Obama never even had to mention Trump by name? Like, that's how you know you've screwed up, when someone could just say, 'People have no idea what they're doing,' and everyone is like, 'That's Trump. That is Trump.' Even Trump is like 'That's me, totally me.'

“You know, it's funny how Obama hides his insults, almost like he doesn't want to get in trouble with Michelle for going low. [imitating Obama] Now, I agree with Michelle, that we're gonna go high. So I won't say anything about your mama. I will, however, point out that the person who gave birth to you has reached proportions that could possibly obscure large bodies of light.” – Trevor Noah

OutFoxed

Following the Trump tweet: “@FoxNews is no longer the same. We miss the great Roger Ailes. You have more anti-Trump people, by far, than ever before. Looking for a new outlet!”

“A new outlet where? No outlet praises you more. That's like Meryl Streep complaining about how the Oscars treat her.” – Seth Meyers

“Ah, yes, the great Roger Ailes, the famous creep who oversaw a culture of paranoia and sexual harassment at Fox News that led to him getting fired by liberal snowflake, let's see, Rupert Murdoch.” – Seth Meyers

“This is so surreal – Fox News condemning Donald Trump. I mean, this is like doing something so bad that your own dog takes off its collar and just walks away in disgust.

“And if Trump actually goes through with this threat and stops watching Fox, it would be the biggest breakup since, I don't know, Elon Musk and reality?” – Trevor Noah

Son of a president

“Now according to Eric, this whole coronavirus thing is a conspiracy to prevent his dad from doing big campaign rallies. I'm sorry, man, this makes no sense. Donald Trump is the president. So if he thinks coronavirus is all just a bunch of hype and he should be able to do a rally, then my man, go and do a rally. I swear, Trump is the most powerful least powerful person in the world. [As Trump] 'I want to do a rally but I can't, because the doctors will get mad at me.'

“And by the way, we all know coronavirus is not a Democratic plot. Because if corona was a Democrat, it would have found a way to lose weeks ago.” – Trevor Noah

Hydroxychloro-wha?

“When told the drug is for treating malaria, Trump said, 'If it's good enough for the first lady, it's good enough for me.'

“After Trump made the announcement, a lot of experts told him what he was doing is dangerous.

Then Trump was like, 'Relax, if anything goes wrong, I can just drink bleach and clean it all out. I'm good.' ” – Jimmy Fallon

“I feel so bad for this guy's Secret Service, because you have to admit they have had more on their plate with Trump than with any other president ever before. Can you imagine a day in the Secret Service's life? 'Keeping my eyes peeled, making sure there's no threats. Everything looks clear. We're all good – Mr. President, what did you eat? What is that in your mouth? Mr. President, what's in your mouth?' ”– Trevor Noah

“And the side effects can potentially include agitation, insomnia, confusion, mania, hallucinations, paranoia, as well as lasting psychiatric and neurological symptoms, so either Trump's lying about taking it, or he's been taking it for 73 years.” – Seth Meyers


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