The Journal Gazette
Saturday, January 11, 2020 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Palace intrigue

“Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced that they'll no longer be senior members of the royal family and they might move to Canada. I give them a lot of credit – tons of celebrities always threaten to move to Canada; they're actually doing it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Or as it was reported in British tabloids, 'Meghan kidnapped Harry!'” – Seth Meyers

“There are senior levels of royal? I thought it just went, like, king, queen, prince, princess, jack of spades, boy wizard, Dukes of Hazzard and then cartoon mouse that sews Cinderella's dress.” – Stephen Colbert

War – '80s style

On Trump's announcement of the targeting of 52 Iranian sites – one site for each of the American hostages kept from 1979 to 1981: “He's still mad about the Iranian hostage crisis? What's next on his 1980s agenda? [As Trump] 'I'm also targeting four top Iranian generals, one for each of the “Three Men and a Baby”; six different regions, one for each side of the Rubik's Cube; and I have officially changed the launch codes to 867-5309.'

“Normally, when a president takes an action this big, this kind of military action that could lead to war, he pre-empts our stories and addresses the nation to reassure us. Trump did not do that this time. Instead, he tweeted this low-res image of an American flag. You know what they say: These colors don't run, but they do kind of blur.” – Stephen Colbert

The combo platter

“How does this administration never seem to be on the same page? Trump says they'll bomb cultural sites, his administration says he won't. Trump says he will, they say he won't, now he says he won't. It's like they have a group chat but Trump never gets the message because he's on Android.

“You have to obey the law. Trump makes the law sound like it's an optional topping at Chipotle. It's the Geneva Convention, not pico de gallo.” – Trevor Noah

Fireside tweet?

“ 'All is well.' That's not how you address the nation on matters of war. That's how a sophomore addresses his parents on a postcard from a trip abroad.” – Seth Meyers

“Which was hilarious because the tweet was composed like Trump was writing a letter from the front lines of the Civil War. [As Trump] 'My dearest Twitter, all is well. Missiles launched from Iran. So far so good. I hope to see you soon. Please kiss Ivanka for me and not Eric. Sincerely, Donald hashtag MAGA, hashtag read the transcript.' ” – Trevor Noah

“It's OK, folks. It's OK. We've achieved Defcon Fine.” – Stephen Colbert

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