“New York City suffered a major blackout on Saturday that left over 70,000 people in Manhattan without power. Of course, in Manhattan, 70,000 people is two Starbucks and a Jamba Juice.”
“This is beside the point, but three of the congresswomen you're attacking were born here and they're all American citizens. So if you're asking them to fix the totally broken, crime-infested governments of their home countries, they're trying.”
“Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez yesterday responded to President Trump's racist attacks on her and three other congresswomen, calling Trump's words the, quote, 'hallmark language of white supremacists.' Said Hallmark, 'In retrospect, we never should have added that section.' ”
“At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows.
Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.' ”
“I saw that Trump sent another tweet. In all caps, it said, 'If you're not happy here, you can leave.' Then he teared up, because those are also his wedding vows.”
“And is there anybody Trump does think was born in America? [Imitating Trump] Bring me Megan Rapinoe's long-form birth certificate, OK? There's no way an American could be that good at soccer, OK?”
“Trump spent all day having his friends tell everyone how not racist he is. You know, like nonracists do.”
“Now all the Democrats voted for the condemnation, along with four Republican representatives: Fred Upton of Michigan, Susan W. Brooks of Indiana, Brian Fitzpatrick of Pennsylvania and Will Hurd of Texas. Or as they will soon be known, [imitating Trump] 'Freaky Fred, Lazy Susan, Bitchy Brian, and I'm going to guess the black guy is Frederick Douglass? I don't know.' ”
“Just because you complain about your country, doesn't mean you don't love it. It's like sports: Fans want their teams to be better, that is why they complain, all right? If the Knicks kicked out every fan who yelled at them to play better, Madison Square Garden would be emptier than Mike Pence's spice cabinet.”
“FaceApp, the app that lets users see themselves as old people and the reason why your Instagram now looks like Tinder at a nursing home.
“Bravo, Russians, you've done it again. Honestly, I should have known something was up when the app asked me for access to my camera, my location and any photos of me getting peed on.”
“Few Republicans spoke out against Trump, including four out of 197 who condemned his remarks in a House vote. So most House Republicans are A-OK with racism, which is great news if Biden is elected, because at least he has a history of working with segregationists.”