The Journal Gazette
 
 
Saturday, June 27, 2020 1:00 am

Late night laughs

Unmasked

“Yes, it appears America isn't just dealing with a deadly strain of coronavirus, it's also dealing with a deadly strain of stupidity. If wearing masks killed people, there would be no doctors, no dentists, and no hockey goalies. Every hockey game would end with a score of 1,000 to 980. Why are we even arguing with these idiots?”– Trevor Noah

“So now you're a liberal snowflake if you don't want to die.” – Stephen Colbert

“That's right, not only is the clip viral, but so are the people.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I mean, do these people listen to themselves? Just think for a moment – you guys think every government and every health expert around the world is involved in some giant conspiracy to oppress everyone on Earth, but they don't have the power to block that one video on YouTube that exposes the real truth?” – Trevor Noah

Travel band

“Things are so bad in the rest of the country that New York, New Jersey and Connecticut will now require certain out-of-state travelers to quarantine upon arrival. So if you're from out of state and want to visit the Big Apple, fuhgeddaboutit! Seriously, they don't want you there.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, New York, Connecticut and New Jersey. Tourists were like, 'Damn, now we can't travel to New York and Connecticut.' ” – Jimmy Fallon

“Leaders of the European Union are reportedly considering a ban on American tourists when borders reopen in July because of how the U.S. is handling the coronavirus. And, also, you know, all the other reasons. Coronavirus might just be a cover in this case.” – Seth Meyers

“When Europe said they'd block Americans from entering, Trump was like, 'Wow, that must be some wall.' ” – Jimmy Fallon

Rally cries

“For somebody who was born into wealth and never suffered a single consequence for his actions, this dude just cannot catch a break. Because nothing is more humiliating than when you throw a party and most of the guests don't show up. 

“That is hilarious, getting foiled by a bunch of meddling kids. I mean, that means Trump is basically a Scooby-Doo villain now – but at least Scooby-Doo villains wear masks.” – Trevor Noah

“Trump also talked about the other pressing national issue on everyone's mind: that time he couldn't walk down a ramp last week.

“Trump talked about 'rampgate' for a whopping 10 minutes and 23 seconds, which is almost as long as it took him to get down that ramp.” – Stephen Colbert

Joe-mentum

“Not only is Biden ahead the polls, he also raised more money than Trump last month. Yeah, Trump's so desperate for money, he's going to start writing a tell-all book about himself.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Look, I know (Biden's) been doing campaign events, but I never even know about them and honestly I prefer that. I love this strategy. If I had my way, Biden's campaign slogan would be 'Elect me president, and you'll never hear from me again.' ” – Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, Trump's poll numbers are so low, he asked if he could declare bankruptcy and start over.” – Jimmy Fallon

Arizona dreaming

“His approval rating has plummeted, his handling of the pandemic and protests have been a disaster, and his rally in Tulsa was seen as a flop. So, today, he decided to cheer himself up.

“Yep, Trump visited the wall today, because in time of crisis, it's important to be with your loved ones.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump said he loves barriers that block dangerous things – then went back to not wearing a mask.” – Jimmy Fallon

“One problem with Trump's visit is 'Arizona has tallied almost 55,000 cases of COVID-19 and has doubled the number of cases in the last 15 days. Yikes, the University of Phoenix might have to start offering some of its courses online.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Trump gave a speech in Arizona to a group of young Republicans. Of course, in Arizona, the term young Republican refers to anyone who's only wearing one knee brace.” – Seth Meyers


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