Taking their shot
“Inoculations have slowed dramatically, and less than half of the total U.S. population is fully vaccinated. So if you think of it like a pie, about half of the pie would be vaccinated while the other half wouldn't be able to taste the pie because they have COVID.” – Stephen Colbert
After Republican House leader Steve Scalise endorsed vaccines:
“But Scalise seems to want it both ways, because he then criticized public health outreach, saying, 'You're seeing some people try to bully people into doing things instead of just encouraging them.' OK, that's a good point. Invite people in, entice them, don't call them out. So tonight, we at 'The Late Show' have updated our prize for any unvaccinated Americans who go get the shot. You will now win a lifetime supply of 'life' and 'time.' ” – Stephen Colbert
On Jeff Bezos' emerging from his space capsule in a cowboy hat:
“I guess space turns you into Kenny Chesney.
“He got the spacesuit and cowboy hat together by searching for the midlife crisis bundle: 'Is a soul patch too much?' ”– Jimmy Fallon
“A cowboy hat? So he went into space and somehow became extra divorced.”– Stephen Colbert
And regarding Bezos', um, uniquely shaped spaceship ...
“I guess it's true what they say, billionaires and their rockets end up looking just like each other.”– Stephen Colbert
“It's the only rocket that shrinks in the cold.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They designed it at the Johnson Space Center.” – Tariq Trotter of house band The Roots on “The Tonight Show”
“Next stop, the 'O' zone.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It's not that hard to get to space.” – Tariq Trotter
“This weekend President Biden went after big social media platforms like Facebook for not doing enough to stop the spread of COVID misinformation. Yeah, our country has gone from 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' to 'Please don't take medical advice from a meme.'
“Yeah, Biden doesn't want Facebook to prevent young people from getting vaccinated. Everyone under 30 heard and was like, 'That is so cute, but literally none of us use Facebook.' ” – Jimmy Fallon
“Makes you miss the good old days when Facebook's primary function was helping you find unflattering pictures of your ex's new boyfriend: 'Cargo shorts? There's no way Diane's happy with him – then why is she smiling?' ” – Stephen Colbert
Bucking a trend
“Hey, I want to say congrats to the Milwaukee Bucks for winning their first NBA championship in 50 years. Fifty years. That's right, they beat the Phoenix Suns, 105-98. But of course, Arizona has demanded a recount.
“The finals' MVP was Giannis Antetokounmpo, who's from Greece. Yep, a Greek NBA superstar. He could be the first person to star in 'Space Jam' and 'Mamma Mia.' ” – Jimmy Fallon