“President Biden tonight laid out the specifics for his 'American Families Plan.' Trump had a family plan, too, but his was to give jobs to everyone in his family.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“That's right, the Capitol took center stage tonight, and I got to be honest, it was nice to see someone behind the podium who wasn't wearing deer antlers and a pelt.
“Yeah, it was a fun night for Democrats. On the other hand, Republicans didn't seem too thrilled. They looked like they just heard their best hope in 2024 is Randy Quaid.”– Jimmy Fallon
The return of Rudy
“Investigators are reportedly conducting a criminal investigation into Giuliani's dealings in Ukraine to try to dig up dirt on the Bidens on behalf of Donald Trump. And if you think he was sweating Grecian Formula before, you should see him now.”– Jimmy Kimmel
“When the agents walked in, Rudy got so nervous, he started sweating hair dye and tucking all the evidence down his pants.
“Yeah, Rudy panicked and called his lawyer, then when his own phone started ringing, he panicked even more.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to the CDC charts, if you're vaccinated, you can go eat outdoors now without a mask on, as opposed to before, when you had to wear a mask while you were eating.” – Trevor Noah
“Because what better way to get people to remember something than a 14-row, three-column, color-coded document with loads of text?
“I love, as well, if you look, exercise class is the last thing on the list. It's even like the list going, 'Look, we both know you're not going to do it.'” – James Corden
“The ratings for the Oscars plummeted from 23 million last year to less than 10 million this year. How can something so woke put so many people to sleep?”– Jimmy Kimmel
“I guess most people thought the show was a little sluggish and, at times, a bit uncomfortable. It was as if the whole ceremony had just gotten its second Pfizer shot.”– Jimmy Fallon
“There were some surprises, notably in the category of Best Actor. Everyone thought that would go to the late Chadwick Boseman. They even saved that category for the end of the show, assuming it would be a big emotional moment to wrap it up.
“But instead of Chadwick Boseman, Anthony Hopkins won Best Actor for playing a man with dementia in 'The Father,' and he was so committed to his role, he forgot to show up for the Oscars.” – Jimmy Kimmel
Throwing away their shot
“Apparently, some people are refusing the second (COVID-19) shot because they feared the side effects, which can include flulike symptoms. Unlike the coronavirus side effects, which can include deathlike death.
“One interesting group of people refusing to get the vaccine: people who have gotten the vaccine. Because millions of people are skipping their second doses of COVID vaccines.
“I can't believe it – Americans are saying no to seconds?” – Stephen Colbert
“I mean, just a few weeks ago we were scrambling for appointments – refresh, refresh, refresh. Now you can pick up Moderna shots in the two-for-one bin at Walmart.” – Trevor Noah