Editor's note: Most of the hosts were off for this week shortened by Presidents' Day.
The cold-star state
“Right now, everywhere in the country, if you look outside your window, you're seeing snow. I mean, except for Florida. If you're looking outside your window, that white stuff you're seeing? That's probably cocaine.” – Trevor Noah
“If you're watching us from home right now, the good news is you have power.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This is especially tough for Texans because they're not equipped for snow. They don't have snow shovels out there. Their best bet is to grab their AR-15s and shoot each snowflake before it lands: 'Go back to Canada where you belong!'” – Trevor Noah
“You know the phrase 'When hell freezes over?' We're getting close. We're getting real close.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I know people were praying for Texas to go blue, but not like this. I mean, is it too much to ask for just one apocalypse at a time?
“The main reason Texas has plunged into darkness is that its natural gas industry has been crippled by this storm. And that might – might – have been preventable, except that Texas deregulated its power supply in the '90s, which was clearly not the wisest decision. I mean, trust me, as a man who lived through the '90s, you should probably rethink most of the decisions you made in that decade.
“And this just goes to show you, you can't put profits over quality and safety. Money's not worth a whole lot if you have to burn it to keep warm.” – Trevor Noah
Parade of changes
“This morning was the coldest in decades in Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Little Rock. In New Orleans, they had the coldest Fat Tuesday in more than a hundred years. People on the streets were putting their tops on.
“It's 'Girls Gone Home' in New Orleans.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And, yeah, it's sad. But it's just not safe to hold a Mardi Gras parade. I mean, during a pandemic, a tuba just turns into a Covid fire hose.” – Trevor Noah