The Journal Gazette
 
 
Saturday, January 16, 2021 1:00 am

Late night laughs

A second helping

“President Trump was impeached today for a second time – or, according to Fox News, 'Fun rainy-day crafts to do with your grandkids.' ” – Seth Meyers

 “I feel like I just took down my decorations from the last impeachment.” – Stephen Colbert

“Reportedly, (Sen. Mitch) McConnell has told associates in private that he believes the president committed impeachable offenses and is leaning toward convicting him. It will all be in his memoir, 'Leaning Toward Courage.' ” – Stephen Colbert

Remember the wall

After Trump visited Texas to tout progress on his border wall

“It was wise of Trump to take a victory lap at the border the same week his supporters showed that walls serve almost no purpose whatsoever when it comes to keeping people who want in out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

 “What a nice reminder of how much the president hates people storming barriers and entering places they aren't legally allowed.” – James Corden

“Meanwhile, a confused Rudy Giuliani waited patiently 300 miles away at Al's Ammo.” – Seth Meyers

A Pence-ive moment

“(Vice President Mike) Pence has reportedly said privately that he'd consider invoking the 25th (Amendment) if Trump becomes 'more unstable.' More unstable? That's like Noah saying, 'If this rain gets any worse, I might have to build an ark.'

“Several (members of Congress) are saying nine days isn't enough time to hold impeachment hearings – and they've got a point. You know, usually when the Senate tries to ram something through that quickly, it's a conservative Supreme Court justice.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Also, why are we waiting for Pence to act? He spent four years by this president's side as he's repeatedly excused or incited violence and sowed the destruction of our democracy. I feel like we're a group of schoolchildren at the zoo waiting for the sloth to do something: 'He's not going to do anything – let's go see the polar bear!' ” – Seth Meyers

“The president and Mike Pence reportedly spoke for the first time since last week's attack on the Capitol, which had to be pretty awkward. But don't worry, Trump accepted Pence's apology.” – Seth Meyers

Twitter silence

“Well, if you think Trump's upset about getting impeached, imagine how he felt the other day when Twitter announced that they're permanently suspending his account. A lifetime ban! Trump's basically the Pete Rose of social media.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The only thing scarier than Donald Trump tweeting is Donald Trump not tweeting. It was a way for us to know where he was. It's like when they put a bell on a cow.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to a senior administration official, when he found out, 'the president went ballistic' – a troubling description of the guy who still has the nuclear codes.”– Stephen Colbert

“Many in Trumpland believe that it's wrong to encourage a corporation to ban someone for their political statements. Which, oh wait – who was the guy who told the NFL to ban the players who kneeled? Oh, that was Donald Trump? I guess that was different.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump started this year thinking he should be on Mount Rushmore, now he can't even get on Instagram.

“Right now, Trump's phone is stuffed into a pile of rice after being drenched with tears.

“Seriously, in one weekend, Trump's phone became a $2,000 flashlight.”– Jimmy Fallon


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