What not to expect ...
“This year's wildfire season has been one of the worst in history, with dozens of fires burning a record 2 million acres. And now we're finding out that one of this weekend's biggest blazes started in one of the dumbest ways possible. OK, people, I've said it before and I'll say it again: These gender reveals have gone too far. Ten thousand acres have burned and it's not even the first time this kind of thing has happened. I mean, at this point, a gender reveal party is now one of the most dangerous terrorist organizations. It's ISIS, al-Qaida, Taylor Swift fans and gender reveal parties.” – Trevor Noah
“Oh my goodness, they used pyrotechnics. Seriously? It's a gender reveal, not a Kiss concert.
“Yeah, it turns out the couple is expecting six months in jail and thousands of legal fees.” – Jimmy Fallon
Book of revelations ...
(In the wake of news regarding Bob Woodward's new book, “Rage”)
“You didn't want to create a panic? So what did you want, for people to very calmly be dying in the streets?
“Cities are burning, suburbs are collapsing, caravans of antifa Mexicans are committing Muslim voter fraud – his campaign slogan is basically, 'Look out behind you!' ” – Trevor Noah
“Seriously, you didn't want to create a panic? For the last six months, I've been opening doorknobs with my knees.
“Seriously, these tapes are really bad. Trump's re-election prospects are sinking faster than a boat at a MAGA rally.
“I'd say at this point, the dude needs to give himself some hush money.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, good job with that. This country's never been more chill. A lot of people aren't even moving.” – Seth Meyers
... and making book
“And Trump aside, am I the only one who thinks it is crazy that people keep releasing books where they reveal that they have known the most incriminating things about Trump, but they only tell us about it now? I mean, imagine if Paul Revere had this attitude: 'Are the British coming? Find out by pre-ordering my book on Amazon.' ” – Trevor Noah
“My beef is with Woodward on this one. It is. He had this information, he had the tape the whole time. Trump was out there saying, 'Don't worry, it will go away.' He's holding rallies, and Bob Woodward – Bob Woodward's like, 'This is too good. I am going to save this for my book seven months from now.' ” – James Corden
“I don't know, maybe I'm being too critical. Before I pass judgment, I should read the other 40 Trump books that came out this week.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Imagine if Bob Woodward's job was always this easy. It's as if Nixon walked up to him in 1973 and said, 'Hello, Bob, did you know I did Watergate? This is a pretty cool parking garage, huh? Well, bye.' ” – Seth Meyers
“Trump was reacting to the furor over The Atlantic's bombshell report that he called Americans who died in war 'losers' and 'suckers,' which has been confirmed by multiple outlets including The AP, CNN and even Fox News, and also by common sense. I mean, it sounds exactly like something Trump would say. He probably thinks anyone who dies is a sucker.
“According to a new report, President Trump canceled a 2018 visit to an American veterans cemetery in France because he was afraid his hair would get disheveled in the rain. What? When's it ever been 'sheveled.' ” – Seth Meyers