The Journal Gazette
Saturday, August 01, 2020 1:00 am

Late night laughs

Money matters

“While Jeff Bezos is testifying in Congress for the first time ever, his ex-wife, Mackenzie Scott, was making news of her own. Because Forbes magazine recently named her the third richest woman in America, but now she's working hard on moving down the list.

“Damn, $1.7 billion donated to charity! It's almost like Mackenzie Scott is determined to be the anti-Bezos. She's woke, she doesn't hoard her money, and she has a full head of hair.” – Trevor Noah

Is there a doctor on the job?

“Despite having the world's top doctors at his disposal, Trump has decided instead to trust a doctor who believes that people get sick because they masturbate and that vaccines are made from alien DNA.

“And, by the way, whatever you do, please don't start running around saying that African doctors are crazy, OK? This doctor from Africa happens to be crazy. You can't use her to judge all African doctors the same way you wouldn't want the world to judge America's presidents based on one guy, would you?” – Trevor Noah

“It's like Crazy Trump was away for a week and then someone said 'hydroxychloroquine' three times. [Imitating Beetlejuice] 'Showtime!'

“It feels like we're back to Scary Misinformation Trump. I prefer Person, Man, Woman, Camera, TV Trump instead. I also liked Point to an Elephant Trump. He was fun.” – Jimmy Fallon

Love her to death

“I can understand getting corona because you wanted to see your grandmother or something, but getting corona because you wanted to watch a twerking contest? There is no reason to risk your health for that – unless your grandmother was in the twerking contest. I mean, then I can understand. You've got to support your Nana's dreams.” – Trevor Noah, on a crowded New Jersey house party broken up by police

“Also, I understand that people need to go to church, but please, people, don't hold church in a tight, massive crowd. Jesus is supposed to die for you, not the other way around.” – Trevor Noah

Mutiny over the bounty

“... Trump is the most impulsive president ever – except when it comes to Russia. I mean, people are protesting against the police and he's like, 'We've got to send in the troops. Break it up people, we've got to destroy them!' But when Russia is putting bounties on American troops, he's like, 'They're only lashing out because we hurt them. Like Dr. Jen says: Hurt people hurt people.'

“I mean, I guess I can understand where Trump is coming from. It is super awkward bringing up to your buddy how he put a bounty on your soldiers' heads, you know? You're talking sports, you're talking chicks – you don't want ruin the vibe with how he's spearheading a campaign to compensate enemy combatants for killing your troops. Zero chill, man, zero chill!” – Trevor Noah


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