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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, April 13, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Seth Meyers

“Fifteen defendants who were charged in last month's college admissions scandal appeared in court, including actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. The courthouse was packed – but somehow their daughters got in!”

“Fox News will host a town hall in Pennsylvania this month with Senator Bernie Sanders. It will give Fox News viewers an opportunity to hear from someone younger.”

“Trump is the first president in 40 years not to release his tax returns. And without them we have no idea where he's getting money from or who he owes money to. Which is crazy — he's the president! You'd want to know if your doctor had a side business running a mortuary. 'Your test results were negative, but just in case, have you thought about a wood casket? Pine is very nice.' ”

“According to a new poll, former Vice President Biden is favored among Democratic primary voters. That's right, he's the hands-down favorite. No, Joe – put your hands down!”

Jimmy Fallon

“I heard that pretty soon Walgreens was going to start selling CBD products in their stores. Meanwhile, you can get actual weed at any Walmart if you just raise your eyebrows at the right employee.”

“McDonald's will no longer serve Filet-O-Fish sandwiches after midnight. If you're someone who's eating Filet-O-Fish at McDonald's after midnight, this might be a good time to re-evaluate your life choices.”

Stephen Colbert

“(Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen) Nielsen's departure is not a total shock. Reportedly, for weeks, Nielsen has felt 'in limbo.' Limbo is the right word here, because we've all been watching just how low she can go.”

Trevor Noah

“Since Trump took office, a record number of people have left the White House. Which, even for Trump, is pretty impressive. It's almost like he's leading the resistance by himself. Everyone out there is like, 'We gotta get these people out of office!' And Trump is like, 'Way ahead of you folks. Resist!' ”

Conan O'Brien

“There are now 18 Democrats running for president, and more are on the way, they said. Yes, in fact, for this month only, if you announce you're running for president you can get all-you-can-eat crab legs at Red Lobster.”