Saturday, February 09, 2019 1:00 am
“A new study suggests that a parasite found in cat pee can be linked to schizophrenia.
“Finally, a reason to stop drinking cat pee!”
“A man in Japan recently claimed to have dated a cockroach for over a year that he named Lisa. The man said Lisa really hit it off with his friends and family, especially his ant.”
“February is Black History Month. 'Oh, my God, I don't even have a costume yet,' said Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam.”
“A woman in Germany is claiming to be in love with an airplane. 'I know how to cure her!' said Spirit Airlines.”
“Liquor brand Svedka will release a new product that combines rosť and vodka. It's called, 'Uh oh, hold my hair!' ”
“A Cleveland mom was arrested this week after a child brought marijuana-infused gummy candies to school and shared them with at least 12 other students. Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good.”
“It was freezing cold in New York City, with a wind chill that was down to negative 17. Even crazier, that's still higher than Trump's approval rating.
“It is so cold, Trump is actually enjoying being burned by Nancy Pelosi.”
“I saw that pretty much all the Congressional Democratic women wore white, head to toe (to the State of the Union speech).
“In response, the governor of Virginia was like, 'Oh, sure! When they do it, it's OK?' ”
“The president beat the cold by tweeting so much his phone began to act as a space heater. He tweeted 11 times before 10 a.m. this morning.”
“It does make it more believable that it wasn't him (Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam) in the (blackface) photo, because who would defend themselves by admitting to a different crime?
“ 'Your honor, I couldn't be the Boston Strangler, because I'm the Philadelphia Strangler! Go Eagles!' ”
“Just a few minutes ago, President Trump finished the second State of the Union address – and, yes, his tie was crooked when he walked in. Trump walked past 600 people and not a single one of them had the (guts) to tell him. In fact, at some point Mike Pence was like, [adjusts tie] 'This is the way ties should be from now on.' ”
“I found (Super Bowl LIII) to be — what is the opposite of a nail-biter? It was a nail-grower. I thought I was watching a baseball game.”†
“Officials in Boston are saying 12 people were arrested yesterday during the New England Patriots' victory parade.
“So at least it was more exciting than the game.”
“Damn it, Virginia! What is wrong with you? Can't you just throw normal parties? If you must have a theme, how about: 'Respect for the historical struggle of oppressed minorities'? Dress code: your face.”†