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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, October 07, 2017 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Jimmy Fallon

“A musical based on Cher's life will come to Broadway next year. But I dunno – what are the chances you're gonna find people who like both Cher and Broadway musicals?”

“A 45-foot-tall statue of a nude woman will be placed next to the Washington Monument. Which explains why the Washington Monument is like, 'Think about baseball, think about baseball, think about baseball...' ”

“Today Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane. And Mike Pence will go there tomorrow to survey the damage done by the president.”

Seth Meyers

“White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said there isn't anything to clarify about Trump's position on NFL players kneeling during the national anthem, because the issue is, quote, 'pretty black and white.' And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over.”

“Democrats are reportedly hopeful that controversial judge Roy Moore's Republican primary victory in Alabama may boost their chances for a competitive Senate race in the state. In a related story, Wile E. Coyote says he really feels like he has a shot this time.”

“A woman in Italy recently married herself in a ceremony that included a three-layer wedding cake, bridesmaids, and 70 guests. Did I say guests? I meant cats. 70 cats.”

“A Sri Lankan man has been arrested for trying to smuggle $29,000 worth of gold and jewelry inside his rectum. His lawyer says he'll walk, but his doctor's not so sure.”

“Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak at a rally against gerrymandering. Admission is free, but I would still pay $1,000 just to hear him say 'gerrymandering.' ”

Conan O'Brien

“In Boston, experts believe they have found Paul Revere's outhouse and they say they are excited to examine his fecal matter. These experts have been described as 'single.'”

“There's talk of including video gamers in future Olympics. Olympic gamers would be treated like all other athletes, except they'd be tested for 'performance-enhancing ramen.'”

“Germany has just rolled out a new law banning hate speech. The law is tricky to implement because everything sounds like hate speech when it's spoken in German.”