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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, September 09, 2017 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Jimmy Fallon

“President Trump is ending the DACA program, and may deport immigrants who came to the U.S. decades ago. Many people are outraged, while Melania was like, 'Well, rules are rules.' ”

“Lot of celebrity babies are happening right now. It was just announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their third child. Kate's very excited about the baby. In fact, she said that she can already feel it waving.”

“I also want to say congratulations to Serena Williams, who just welcomed a baby girl. The doctor gave the baby to Serena, then Serena returned it, then the doctor sent it back, then Serena returned it again, and won the point. It was amazing to watch.”

“A sailboat near Greece that was in distress was busted for carrying 1,500 pounds of marijuana. Actually, the boat wasn't actually in distress. Turns out it was just being paranoid.”

James Corden

“Already the states of New York and Washington say that they have plans to sue Trump over (DACA). And that feels like a way to judge whether you're a good president or not. Ask yourself, 'How many U.S. states are currently suing me right now?' If it's more than zero, you could improve.”

“The immigrants who have benefited from DACA are called Dreamers. Attorney General Jeff Sessions explained that the kids will still be Dreamers, but in more of a 'Nightmare on Elm Street' sort of way.”

“Journalists asked Russian President Vladimir Putin if he was disappointed in Donald Trump, and Putin replied that it was a na´ve question to ask because Trump is 'not my bride.' That's a weird way to explain it. But a second later he was all, “More like my bitch!' ”

Jimmy Kimmel

“We were off for two weeks. And it's interesting. When we left, we were busy reliving the Civil War. Now we're back with the good old-fashioned Korean War.”

Stephen Colbert

“There's a man-made disaster unfolding in Washington because the Trump administration has announced they're ending the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, or DACA. The thing is, the vast majority of Americans like this program, so by canceling it, Trump has stepped in some deep DACA.”

“Earlier today, he tweeted, 'Congress, get ready to do your job. DACA!' He loves the abbreviations. 'DACA! MAGA! MAGA! DACA!' He's speaking in tongues at this point, is what is happening.”