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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, July 15, 2017 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Conan O'Brien

“White House chief of staff Reince Priebus has dismissed the latest Trump-Russia story as 'a nothingburger.' When questioned about his really strange choice of words, he explained, 'My name is Reince Priebus.' ”

“President Trump is being criticized now for allowing his daughter Ivanka to sit in for him at the G-20 summit. At a press conference today, the White House press secretary's 8-year-old daughter said, 'It's no big deal.' ”

“In Iraq, ISIS is on the verge of total defeat. You can tell ISIS is pretty much on the way out, because they've already been booked to appear on next season's 'Dancing With the Stars.' ”

“At this weekend's G-20 summit, President Trump and Vladimir Putin had a private two-and-a-half hour meeting. It's probably not a good sign that it ended with Putin handing Trump a single red rose.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was one of those days I woke up, I cracked my neck, I brushed my teeth, I looked in the mirror and I thought, 'Boy, am I glad I'm not Donald Trump Jr.' I have that thought about three times a week, but today I said it out loud.”

“It is funny that after Donald spent a year hammering Hillary about emails he may finally get brought down by an email. This afternoon, Hillary Clinton made a short statement in front of a group of her supporters in upstate New York: 'Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.' ”

“Trump and Putin were only scheduled to meet for 30 minutes but they talked for two hours. During the chat, they talked about teaming up to form a cybersecurity unit to stop future hacking of elections. It's great idea; think of the time it'll save! They already know our passwords, so why not? It's like hiring the guy who stole your car stereo to put it back in.”

Stephen Colbert

“We learned yesterday that on June 9 of last year, Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer after being promised damaging information on Hillary Clinton. (Audience reacts) Yeah, you took the 'Ooh' right out of my mouth. You could knock me over with ... whatever you use to knock over someone who isn't the least bit surprised.”

“The meeting took place at Trump Tower and included Jared Kushner and then-Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort – and proves that at least some in the campaign were willing to accept Russian help. So it's not a smoking gun, but it IS a gun meeting with a Russian bullet about their mutual desire to smoke.”

“I would like to issue a formal apology. I'd like to apologize to Eric Trump. We always thought you were the dumb one, and we were wrong.”