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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, April 15, 2017 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Seth Meyers

“A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn't planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it.”

“A new study found that plastic surgeons make an average of $354,000 per year. 'I am shocked,' said one woman's face but not her mouth.”

Conan O'Brien

“A Turkish Airline crew helped deliver a baby onboard a flight. And then in keeping with the times, the baby was dragged from the plane by security.”

“A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Wal-Mart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news – someone shopping at Wal-Mart bought a salad.”

“Fox News said it will investigate multiple accusations against Bill O'Reilly for sexually harassing female co-workers. Apparently, for years O'Reilly has been telling female co-workers their breasts are 'fair and balanced.'”

“Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino from 'Jersey Shore' is facing up to 15 years in prison on tax evasion charges.

“So basically, if you're a reality star in this country and you don't pay your taxes, we either put you in prison or make you President of the United States.”

“Because of the scandals, 'The O'Reilly Factor' has lost two-thirds of its advertisers in one week. On the bright side, United Airlines is still with him!”

Jimmy Fallon

“At the Academy of Country Music Awards, Willie Nelson announced he was writing his memoirs. He said in his memoirs, he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here's how it affected his life: He started writing his memoir in 1946.”

“According to the National Enquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. I don't believe it. I don't think he would ever leave her behind.”

“Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is writing her autobiography. I think that's going to be one of those 'he said, she said' deals.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“President Trump has been flying a lot lately. Donald Trump is on pace to spend more on travel in his first year as president than President Obama spent all eight years in office combined.

“The president's trips to Florida every weekend have already cost more than $20 million of taxpayer money. See, this is the guy we need United to drag off the plane.”