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Editorial columns

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LATE-NIGHT LAUGHS

David Letterman

“Saturday is the shortest day of the year.

“As a matter of fact, it’s so short that Sunday begins in about 20 minutes.”

“The longest day of the year, of course, is Christmas with your relatives.”

“When you’re picking out your Christmas tree, don’t make the mistake I made. Don’t even talk about the three-year warranty. Forget that. They’re just trying to make money.”

Jay Leno

“It seems that personal information on nearly 40 million Target customers was stolen this week by hackers. Target customers are outraged and the NSA is really impressed.”

“Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did. You know why? I used my credit card at Target. That’s why.”

Conan O’Brien

“While Pope Francis was visiting a children’s center, a young boy snatched the Pope’s hat off. And because of a little-known Vatican law, that boy is now the new pope – Pope Timmy.”

“New research came out that reveals that being attractive in high school leads to success later in life.

“So finally some good news for hot, popular teenagers.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“There are only eight days left until Christmas, or 12 if you filed for an extension.”

“I tell you, it’s really amazing how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook.”

“I finished my Christmas shopping over the weekend. I know. I hate me, too.”

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