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Editorial columns

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Late-night humor

David Letterman

“They caught a guy in the Secret Service sending out suggestive and graphic emails to women. On the bright side, it’s nice to know somebody in the White House knows how to operate the computer.”

“Your chances of winning the big lottery are 250 million to 1. It’s the same as your chance of getting on the Obamacare website. It’s virtually impossible.”

“So far, only 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. Even more disappointing is that it turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times.”

Jimmy Fallon

“Speaker John Boehner said the Senate’s immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. It’s always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement.”

“A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment.”

Jay Leno

“According to a new poll, 52 percent of Americans describe President Obama as ‘not honest.’ That makes him by far the most honest politician in history.”

Bill Maher

“For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it’s incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane.”

“Bill Clinton opened his big fat vegan mouth and said Obama should let people keep their crappy insurance, even if it screwed up the whole system. You know what? If you’re a Democrat, the Clintons are a pre-existing condition.”

Conan O’Brien

“Obama is wrestling with the health care rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.”

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