I saw an item on the news about a woman – somewhere – who plans to give trick-or-treaters whom she thinks are overweight a note instead of candy, chastising the kids parents for letting them go out and collect sugary treats that they obviously dont need.
Well, if you come to my house, I dont care how fat you are. Ill give you a piece of candy. So I guess you can blame me in part for what some people call the obesity epidemic in America.
But you gotta get there early.
I used to periodically talk to a guy named Dr. Professor Dan, who diligently monitored the weather and temperature on Halloween and tried to predict turnout based on how nice or miserable the weather was going to be.
In theory you could look at the weather forecast and decide how much candy to buy.
Dr. Professor Dan doesnt call any more, and to tell the truth I dont know whether his predictions were accurate or not.
So when it comes to preparing for Halloween, I just buy some candy and hand it out as long as it lasts.
Choosing the type of candy has always stumped me. I like traditional candy – Snickers, Almond Joys, Hershey bars, stuff like that, real candy.
My spouse, on the other hand, picks stuff like Pixie Sticks, those paper tubes with sugar inside of them, and red licorice sticks. She says she knows what kids like.
I gave a clump of those to a trick-or-treater one year and one of them said, Oh, Pixie Sticks, and my spouse took that as proof that she knows candy better than me.
I say that if youre a normal kid youll like anything you get, even candy corn, that horrid stuff that people still hand out.
Actually, the problem with candy corn is its appearance. If youve ever tried it, it doesnt taste bad. Its no worse than a sucker or a little Tootsie Roll. Its just ugly.
That hasnt stopped people from handing it out on Halloween, though. Theyve been giving it out since I was 6 or 7, and I usually sneak a few bags into my mix just for old times sake and to see the look on the occasional kids face when I drop it into his bag.
Usually, though, I get no response no matter what I put in a kids bag. They dont even say trick or treat these days. They just take the candy and turn and leave.
Measuring exactly how much candy to give each kid is the big challenge for me. I tend to start out a little generous, then start to panic when supplies run low after about 45 minutes.
Every year now, I run out of candy after about an hour.
I could buy three times as much candy as usual, and Id be out in an hour.
Thats because the crowds keep getting bigger, the lines of kids at my walk keep getting longer.
I guess I could stretch my candy supply by giving only a single sucker to infants, the ones who are too young to say trick or treat, too young to understand whats going on and too young to eat candy as it is. You know whos really going to eat that candy. But thats a hassle.
So Ill just sling out candy to all comers, fat or otherwise, until its gone, in about an hour, then turn off the light and close the door, and all the people who show up late can assume that Im one of those grumpy guys who doesnt give out candy.