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Editorial columns




David Letterman

“I guess we’re getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran.”

Conan O’Brien

“Syria’s President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.”

“They’re now making the first smartphone that’s not made overseas. It’s made in Texas.

“It’s also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.”

Jay Leno

“President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.”

“Congratulations to 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad. On her fifth try she completed her 110-mile swim from Cuba to Florida. See, 64 is not too old to swim 110 miles.

“It’s too old to host a late-night talk show, but not to swim 110 miles.”

Craig Ferguson

“Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone.

“I was like, ‘What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?’ ”

Jimmy Kimmel

“Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this morning – and with any luck, for good.”

“Actually, Rodman is going to hang out with his friend, Kim Jong Un. If somebody told you Dennis Rodman, a basketball player, was hooking up with Kim, you would assume they meant a Kardashian, right?”

“They announced the new cast of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ this morning.

“As is the custom, President Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.”