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LATE-NIGHT LAUGHS

Trump

David Letterman

“Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you’re at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.”

“New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner got in a car wreck over the weekend – not to be confused with his campaign. That’s a train wreck.

“And today he tweeted the insurance company the wrong photo.”

“You see Miley Sunday night on the VMA thing, the MTV show? The White House is considering military intervention.”

Jay Leno

“The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it’s not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me.”

“I guess the attorney general got suspicious it wasn’t a real college when Donald took the senior class on a field trip to try and find President Obama’s birth certificate.”

“The treasury secretary has now asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn’t act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do.”

“So New York City comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer says if he wins, he will work for only $1 a year. Which is pretty smart, because at that rate, he won’t be able to afford another $5,000 an hour hooker until the year 7013.”

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