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Editorial columns

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Associated Press

LATE-NIGHT LAUGHS

David Letterman

“Anthony Weiner has been on the Internet having obscene chats, and he uses the name Carlos Danger. When Donald Trump heard about it, Trump demanded to see Carlos Danger’s birth certificate.”

Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure, he should start with his zipper.”

“The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent.”

Conan O’Brien

“Taylor Swift canceled a radio contest to meet her biggest fan when it turned out her biggest fan was a man nearly twice her age. Nothing’s working out for Anthony Weiner these days.”

Craig Ferguson

“The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as ‘Boy George.’ ”

Bill Maher

“(Somebody) vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing. If it could cry and chain smoke, it would be John Boehner.”

“New Rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He’s more like Uncle Harry – naked and unable to stand.”

Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s got a big retreat coming up. He invited all his Cabinet members to Camp David. Unfortunately, Joe Biden couldn’t make the retreat because he’s in Asia. That’s because Obama told him the retreat was in Asia.”

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