I dont know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.
Happy birthday to the presidents daughter Sasha, who is 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Biebers phone records.
There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? Honey, Im not looking at her breasts. Im working for Homeland Security.
President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said thats a debate we wouldnt have had five years ago. Five years ago? Its a debate we wouldnt have had two weeks ago if they all hadnt gotten caught.
Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues.
According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obamas policy because finally a man is listening to them.
Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say its the goodest news they have heard all year.
Michelle Obama was heckled Shes tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was like all Game of Thrones. She said, If I wanted to hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone.