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Editorial columns

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LATE-NIGHT LAUGHS

Seagal

David Letterman

“We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. They’ve been taking their tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, ‘Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can’t enjoy yourselves, if you can’t every now and then pat yourself on the back?’ ”

Jay Leno

“IRS executive Lois Lerner will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, ‘I’m going to stay, and I want my money.’ And you wonder why we’re $16 trillion in debt.”

“Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What’s next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria?”

Conan O’Brien

“A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to ‘be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.’ ”

“A new report says that Donald Trump has spent $1 million trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World’s Most Expensive ‘No.’ ”

Bill Maher

“I hate to keep saying that Americans are stupid and lazy. But is there any lamer assassination attempt than sending wannabe poison through the mail? What was Plan B, hoping Chris Christie falls on him?”

Jimmy Fallon

“Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, ‘Yes. I mean, no.’ ”

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