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Associated Press
Tackle Eric Fisher appears at a press conference after being selected first overall by the Kansas City Chiefs in the first round of the NFL football draft on Thursday.

NFL draft: Prognostication abomination

Let's hear it out there today for the gurus, the geeks, the lab coats, the draftniks -- and of course the Follicles Indestructible of Mel Kiper Jr., reigning master of all of the above.

They are savants, these men. Brainiacs. Diviners of the whims and will of 32 NFL teams, even the ones who turn their drafts over to Rex Ryan.

And you know what?

Some of them are even smarter than this chair I'm sitting in.

This chair -- and this table, and that lamp -- went 0-for-32 in picking the first round of the 2013 NFL draft Thursday night. That made them every bit as astute as Bucky Brooks of, who also went 0-for-32.

Charlie Casserly, meanwhile, used all his experience as a former NFL GM to correctly nail four picks. Mike Mayock went 9-23. And Daniel Jeremiah was 10-22.

Of course, those were just the guys. What about the Follicles Indestructible?

Um … well, he was smarter than the chair, but just. He was 8-for-32.

Which of course makes you wonder why the chair, fresh off its triumphant appearance at the Republican National Convention last year, wasn't sitting up there on the ESPN set along with Chris Berman, Jon "Chucky" Gruden and Follicles Indestructible.

BERMAN: So, gentlemen, what do you think the Browns do here at No. 6?

KIPER: I've got them taking Dee Milliner.

GRUDEN: (Chucky face).

CHAIR: (Silence).

ROGER GOODELL: And with the sixth pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Barkevious Mingo, defensive end, LSU …

And so on.

And, OK, so this is a trifle unfair, given that reading this year's draft was like a gerbil trying to speak Assyrian. For the first time in 50 years, a running back did not go in the first round. Only one quarterback did, and it was (really?) EJ Manuel of Florida State. Florida defensive tackle Sharrif Floyd mysteriously fell from the top five on some boards to 23rd. And Tyler Eifert, the Fort's own, went to pretty much the only team that hadn't come up in the conversation, the Bengals.

Meanwhile, Geno Smith, the presumptive first QB to be taken, cooled his heels in the green room all night. The Jets, who couldn't score if you gave them a Ferrari, stock options and George Clooney's chiseled profile, took a cornerback and a defensive tackle. A Ziggy and a Starlite were taken, but only three wide receivers.

Who predicts that?

Well. Except for the chair, that is.

Photo gallery

  • For photos of people who were actually picked in the 1st round, click here.

Ben Smith's blog.