Sure, we're all assuming Lance Armstrong is going to confess to being the Tour de France's biggest druglord, now that he's agreed to take his place in secular America's Great Confessional, aka Oprah Winfrey's couch.
Pardon me if I remain skeptical that Lance will, in fact, do anything but offer a pro forma non-apology apology ("I'm sorry for the mistakes that were made and the trust that might have been betrayed because of the mistakes that were made"). Although it is sort of fun to imagine what might emerge from his mouth while he's under the influence of the Oprah Couch Truth Serum ...
1. "Yeah, OK, so I was lying my peloton off the whole time. Deal with it, suckers."
2. "I can't believe how easy it was to convince you people that every single person around me was a lying, cheating dirtbag, but, cloaked in the armor of supreme righteousness, I was as pure and as innocent as an angel. The only one in my entire sport."
3. "I'd like to apologize to all the teammates, journalists and associates I bullied, demeaned, threatened, sued and publicly smeared. My bad, guys. We're still cool, right?"
4. "You know, I've still never flunked a drug test. OK, that's not really true, either. Just keepin' you on your toes there."
5. "Look, I'm sorry I lied to you so brazenly for so long. But part of this is your fault, you know. I mean, come on, did you guys really believe that every Tour rider but me was injecting themselves with rocket fuel and yet, somehow, I was still kicking the crap out of them? All while ingesting nothing more lethal than Diet Coke?
"Seriously, dudes. I mean ... wow."