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Late-night humor

The best of recent jokes by late-night comedians:

David Letterman

“President Obama is in town today. He’s visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he’s visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that’s a different story.”

“After the election, 20 states said they’ve got to get out. They said, ‘We can’t take it anymore,’ so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We’re facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2 million job listings. You know it’s bad when even Facebook thinks it’s time for you to get a job.”

“Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can’t figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn’t be in the snack cake industry. I guess I’ll just have to take my business to Little Debbie.”

Jay Leno

“There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.”

“ ‘Skyfall,’ the No. 1 movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It’s the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There’s not a lot of sex in the movie – it’s very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It’s not like he’s head of the CIA.”

Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama’s major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men.”

“Another big storm could hit the Northeast by Wednesday, preventing millions from visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. But there’s also a downside.”

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