Conan O’Brien

“A German Olympic diver did one of the worst dives ever and got a score of 0.0. He tried to save face halfway through the dive. He yelled ‘cannonball.’ ”

“ ‘Jersey Shore’s’ Pauly D reportedly made $11 million last year. The lesson here is: Kids, don’t stay in school. It’s a huge waste of your time. Drop out now.”

“An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, “What are we fighting for, man?”

“Mitt Romney is claiming he’ll create 12 million jobs in his first term. However, Romney hasn’t said whether he’ll create those jobs in China or India. “

Craig Ferguson

“The movie ‘The Lorax’ is out on DVD today. Danny DeVito is the title character. It’s an oddly shaped hairy creature that resembles a small walrus. So is the Lorax.”

“Today is the one-year anniversary of those riots in London. If you watch the news today, it seems like the riots are still going on over there. But it’s just drunk Australians at the Olympics.”

“This is Stage 58 at CBS. Seven and a half years – but tonight is our last night here. We’re finally moving to another studio.

“It kind of bothers me, though, because they wrote my name over Katie Couric’s.”

“The new studio’s literally down the hall. It’s not ready yet. It’s where they used to tape ‘The Pat Sajak Show.’ That’s why it’s taking so long to get ready. They’re trying to scrub out ‘that Sajak smell.’ He smells like vowels.”

“I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions.

“The most common question: ‘Are you the only two choices?’ ”